Jesska Denise is an Irish beauty, fashion and lifestyle blog

24.5.19

A Letter to My Body,

a letter to my body anorexia

I'm sorry. Sorry that I have continuously tried to destroy you. For pushing you to your limits. For ignoring your warning signals and going against them.

I'm sorry. Sorry that instead of providing you with proper nutrition I deprived you of it. That on a quest for control and safety I pushed you to pull from reserves and ration. To shut down what you didn't think were important right now to power the things that were. That every morsel of food was like gold dust in a mind consumed by calorific currency.

I'm sorry. Sorry that I made you run. Run for hours on end whilst you screamed at me to stop. That I told you to get it together we're not finished yet. That we needed to do another 1,000 steps, another 10mins, another. Any excuse to keep moving. And not enough fuel to power you.

I'm sorry. Sorry that I kept you up all night. That getting 5,000 steps before we could sleep became the norm and sleep itself become so foreign that it was something to fear. That the fear became so consuming I added marks to your surface in an attempt to make sense of it. That because I couldn't find my voice and the proper words, your surface says everything I couldn't permanently and will only fade with time.

I'm sorry. Sorry that you screamed for help and tried to hit the breaks. That you roared at me to stop and only got louder. That dizziness, bruising and coldness were red lights and I ran straight through them with no thought of repercussions. The burns because you felt the heat on the outside but I couldn't feel it inside. That my bones became a source of calcium, and now they're thin as paper.

I'm sorry. Sorry that you're haunted by memories. That you will bear the brunt of them and this reach for control and manipulation for years to come. That even though you'll think it's the end that someday without knowing, you will be reminded. A pair of jeans, a glimpse of the mirror, happiness cannot be found in numbers and perfection.

I'm sorry. Sorry for starving you, overworking you, hurting you. For being unkind to you. You deserved better. You are my only home, and I tried to burn you down with us both inside. But despite the roaring flames, you kept us safe, the fire is now burning out and now it's time to rebuild.