2015, without sounding completely dramatic, was hands down, the worst year of my life.
This time last year I quietly admitted to myself that something in my life wasn't right. I wasn't dealing with the stresses of my life in a healthy way, and despite my efforts to get on top of it, I was still very much in denial and over the last few months, my life and my health, spiraled to become the mess they are now.
It's been two months since I last posted on here and I have gone back and forth multiple times, trying to decide whether I would write about this on my blog or not. A lot of people I know (and don't know) read my blog - friends of friends, co-workers, classmates etc. I am deeply aware that by sharing this part of my life on here, that I can't take it back. It's out there. In the open. And I've worked very hard to keep this to a small number of people, so much so that I was deeply upset to learn that my Mum had informed various members of family and close family friends.
But I'm a big believer in 'its okay not to be okay', and I'm aware that by not sharing, I am becoming a hypocrite. Part of the problem. Adding to the stigma. I do not want to be a hypocrite, and I certainly don't want to add to the problem.
The truth is, that right now, I am unwell. I have been struggling with Anorexia Nervosa and, at this moment in time the only people who are aware of my illness are family and a handful of close friends. I have kept the circle of people in the know to a minimum. I have had a deeply hard time coming to terms with this. I have spent a long time in denial, and it was only when I wound up sitting in a hospital for a day, that I fully began to accept the severity of the problem. When I took time off work I even had my manager lie on my behalf to co workers if needed because I was embarrassed of what people might think. I still am, but my Mum, who I love to pieces, has told me over and over that I have nothing to be ashamed of, and she's right. I know a lot of people may be shocked by this, others not so much. But I'm aware that people have this media enforced image of what anorexia 'is', and let me just say, my life is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare. There is literally no other way for me to describe it. I never thought this would be my life. I spend the majority of my time going between weekly therapy appointments and work and I've only recently started to open up my life a bit more and hang out with my friends. It's not easy. Most days I want to lock myself in my room and not deal with anything.
I don't even know how to fully share this on my blog or why I am. I think I want to hold myself accountable to myself in some way and doing so on a public platform, although terrifying, seems the best way to do so.
I also don't want to come across in the wrong way and I don't want to share too many details because it is not relevant. Logically, I know I've lost a substantial amount of weight in the last few months, and I don't want anyone to look at images of me and think I am in any way healthy, because despite what I may believe, I am not. My best friend continues to be brutally honest with me when it comes to that. I'm trying to learn that my weight is not the problem, neither is food, my thought process for dealing with things is wrong and so are the things I tell myself.
Obviously this is an incredibly personal part of my life to be sharing online and right now, I am committed to trying to recover and some of the time I'm incredibly hopeful that I can do so.
The last few months haven't be easy for me, or my family and I have a long road ahead of me. But I'm incredibly lucky and grateful to have the support system I do. Others aren't so lucky, I know that. But I am determined to not lose another year of my life to an eating disorder. I want to return to college for fourth year, I want to make memories with my friends, travel, blog more, have a career, go out more, things I cannot do if I don't try harder to fight against the thoughts in my head.
I don't know what else to say, and I know this post isn't worded very well but it's all I feel I can say right now, which is quite a lot considering I haven't been able to actually admit some of this out loud.